Ask Beth

Beth,
I am in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend. We met in high school, and have been dating for a couple of years now. We love each other very much, and have a good relationship. The problem is he goes to college back east, and we only get to see each other when he comes home during school breaks. I get lonely sometimes, so I try to stay busy socially. Last week, I met this guy at a party, and we really hit it off. I am interested in seeing him again, but I don't want to break up with my boyfriend over this new guy until I see if something develops between us. What if it doesn't work out? I would end up hurting my boyfriend for no reason. Do you think it's okay for me to wait, and not say anything to my boyfriend about seeing someone else until I know for sure it's going to develop into something more than friendship?
Sierra

Sierra,
No, it's not okay. Your boyfriend believes you have an exclusive relationship when you do not. That's being dishonest, and inspite of what you say, is not the definition of a good relationship. It's not even the definition of love on a drugstore greeting card. Come on, who are you trying to kid? Oh yeah, that's right, your boyfriend.
Let's take this from the top: It is not okay to deceive one person while having your needs met by another. You're lonely, and understandably so. Explain this as kindly as possible to your boyfriend. After two years, he deserves both your kindness and your honesty. Tell him you have met someone else who is presently only a friend, but that could change. You respect him, and wanted to let him know before anything more serious happnens between you and the young man you've recently met.
Odds are the two of you will break up. The way I see it, you already have. Your boyfriend just doesn't know it yet, and you're in denial.
Long distance relationships seldom work out. This is a prime example of why.
Beth

Dear Beth,
I enjoy your column even if sometimes it seems like tongue and cheek answers.
I have a daughter-in-law who is raising 2 young boys ages 8 and 10. I feel they need some male guidance, as their father, yes, my no good son, left town after the second boy was born, so I visit frequently.
My youngest grandson last week asked me why their mother won't let them wash their own hair in the shower. Instead, she insists on washing their hair in the kitchen sink. Well, I had no answer for him, but I did tell him I would say something to their mother, but how do I approach it? The older boy enjoys this care, but the younger one deems it sissy, as he puts it.
At what age would you think it acceptable for a young boy to take care of his hair? This has me stumped for words, and I don't want to alienate my daughter-in-law, but I also feel the boys are old enough to maintain their own cleanliness.
For once in my life I am without a clue on how to proceed. Any ideas?
Puzzled Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,
You don't sound puzzled at all. You sound as if you actually have a good grasp on the situation. You've made your son's family a priority, and as a result, you have a great relationship with your grandsons and your daughter-in-law. I say this because your grandson comes to you for help, and yet you are wise enough to avoid crossing your daughter-in-law's parental boundaries. As a single mother, she especially needs your support. I applaud you for recognizing that your relationship with your daughter-in-law is more important than who's washing your grandson's hair.
That said, let me suggest that you revisit the conversation that you had with your 8-year-old grandson. Tell him that you've had time to mull over this hairwashing dilemma with his mother, and after much deliberation,
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you've decided if he is old enough to wash his own hair, that makes him old enough to relay this fact to his mother...on his own.
Now, you suggest to your grandson that he say something to his mother that goes kinda like this: "Mom, you've been washing my hair since I was a baby, and you've taught me how. Since I'm not a baby anymore, I would like to wash my own hair to show you that I know how. I can do this for you, and I can be more grown up. It's gonna be great!" He needs to say this with a lot of enthusiasm, communicating to his mother the desire to make her proud.
I don't know a mother who could resist a line like that from her 8-year-old son. However, I do know more than one mother who could resist a grandfather telling her how to take care of his grandson. This way, you are teaching your grandson how to advocate for himself, and you are still able to maintain a supportive relationship with both your grandson and your daughter-in-law.
If your daughter-in-law doesn't relinquish her hairwashing duties, you may need to revisit the situation yet again. I would only do this as a last resort, and only if you decide that who's washing your grandson's hair is vitally important. You could approach your daughter-in-law with: "I don't want to overstep my bounds as the boy's grandfather, but I was asked by him to speak with you about being allowed to wash his own hair. Is that something you would be willing to consider?"
Then, let your daugher-in-law express her thoughts on the matter. She may have a valid point to make, or not. It doesn't matter. You need to listen, and not argue. Your goal here is not to agree, or disagree. You do not want to take sides in this situation. This is not a safety issue for your grandson. You need to be supportive of the entire family, thus maintaining healthy relationships now, and well into the future. A positive relationship with the mother will leave the door open for a compromise. Perhaps, your grandson could request, or you might suggest, that he be allowed to wash his own hair once a week? It's a start.
Bottom line is, it doesn't matter what I think is an acceptable age for your grandson to begin washing his own hair. I'm not his mother. I had mine washing his own hair as soon as he had enough sense to keep his eyes and mouth shut when using shampoo in the shower, even when his hair began to smell again much sooner than if I'd have washed it. For me, that was simpler, but maybe not for your daughter-in-law. Think of it this way, neither of your grandson's have stinky hair. It's been washed by the best, their mother.
Father-in-law's Favorite,
Beth
Dear Beth,
My daughter was elbowed in the nose during a soccer game, and then bled all over her white uniform jersey. I thought soccer wasn't a contact sport, but this is the second time it's happened this season. The first time, I ended up throwing her jersey away, and buying a new one because I couldn't get all of the blood stains to come out. I can't afford to spend $30 for a new soccer jersey every time this happens. I tried a couple of different commercial blood stain removers, but they didn't remove the blood stains completely. Do you know of any tired-and-true methods for removing blood from fabric?
Soccer Mom

Dear Soccer Mom,
If you mean by 'tried-and-true methods', something that I've tried and have actually proven to work for myself, then absolutely! I have a couple of methods for ya. They were handed down to me from my momma, and by her momma before that. We're talkin' washboard days, here. Removing laundry stains doesn't get more 'tried-and-true' than that.
My favorite method is the 'table salt method'. That's when you take the offending shirt, immerse it in cold water, then apply table salt to each and every blood stain on the shirt. Rub the salt into the stains vigorously, add some salt to the cold water, then soak the shirt overnight. By morning, the stains should be gone. If not, lucky you, you get to repeat the process.
My other favorite method is the 'hydrogen peroxide method'. This one is a bit trickier because if you forget, and leave the peroxide on the stained shirt too long before laundering, the peroxide may eat a hole through the shirt. That's probably more stain removal than you bargained for. Not that you would obtusely make the same mistake I did, but if you did, you'd be smart enough not to admit it.
Start by rinsing the shirt in cold water, then use a Q-Tip to apply the peroxide onto the stained areas. Let it soak in for a moment, then rinse again with cold water. If the stains are gone, then wash as normal. If not, try the 'table salt method'.
Always remember to soak items that are blood stained in cold water first. Once you see that the stains have been removed, then you can launder the fabric in warm water. Heat from warm or hot water, or drying or ironing, will 'set' the stain. There goes another $30.
By the way, only an American would think soccer isn't a contact sport.
Futbol Mom,Beth

Beth,
I am in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend. We met in high school, and have been dating for a couple of years now. We love each other very much, and have a good relationship. The problem is he goes to college back east, and we only get to see each other when he comes home during school breaks. I get lonely sometimes, so I try to stay busy socially. Last week, I met this guy at a party, and we really hit it off. I am interested in seeing him again, but I don't want to break up with my boyfriend over this new guy until I see if something develops between us. What if it doesn't work out? I would end up hurting my boyfriend for no reason. Do you think it's okay for me to wait, and not say anything to my boyfriend about seeing someone else until I know for sure it's going to develop into something more than friendship?
Sierra

Sierra,
No, it's not okay. Your boyfriend believes you have an exclusive relationship when you do not. That's being dishonest, and inspite of what you say, is not the definition of a good relationship. It's not even the definition of love on a drugstore greeting card. Come on, who are you trying to kid? Oh yeah, that's right, your boyfriend.
Let's take this from the top: It is not okay to deceive one person while having your needs met by another. You're lonely, and understandably so. Explain this as kindly as possible to your boyfriend. After two years, he deserves both your kindness and your honesty. Tell him you have met someone else who is presently only a friend, but that could change. You respect him, and wanted to let him know before anything more serious happnens between you and the young man you've recently met.
Odds are the two of you will break up. The way I see it, you already have. Your boyfriend just doesn't know it yet, and you're in denial.
Long distance relationships seldom work out. This is a prime example of why.
Beth

Dear Beth,
I enjoy your column even if sometimes it seems like tongue and cheek answers.
I have a daughter-in-law who is raising 2 young boys ages 8 and 10. I feel they need some male guidance, as their father, yes, my no good son, left town after the second boy was born, so I visit frequently.
My youngest grandson last week asked me why their mother won't let them wash their own hair in the shower. Instead, she insists on washing their hair in the kitchen sink. Well, I had no answer for him, but I did tell him I would say something to their mother, but how do I approach it? The older boy enjoys this care, but the younger one deems it sissy, as he puts it.
At what age would you think it acceptable for a young boy to take care of his hair? This has me stumped for words, and I don't want to alienate my daughter-in-law, but I also feel the boys are old enough to maintain their own cleanliness.
For once in my life I am without a clue on how to proceed. Any ideas?
Puzzled Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,
You don't sound puzzled at all. You sound as if you actually have a good grasp on the situation. You've made your son's family a priority, and as a result, you have a great relationship with your grandsons and your daughter-in-law. I say this because your grandson comes to you for help, and yet you are wise enough to avoid crossing your daughter-in-law's parental boundaries. As a single mother, she especially needs your support. I applaud you for recognizing that your relationship with your daughter-in-law is more important than who's washing your grandson's hair.
That said, let me suggest that you revisit the conversation that you had with your 8-year-old grandson. Tell him that you've had time to mull over this hairwashing dilemma with his mother, and after much deliberation,you've decided if he is old enough to wash his own hair, that makes him old enough to relay this fact to his mother...on his own.
Now, you suggest to your grandson that he say something to his mother that goes kinda like this: "Mom, you've been washing my hair since I was a baby, and you've taught me how. Since I'm not a baby anymore, I would like to wash my own hair to show you that I know how. I can do this for you, and I can be more grown up. It's gonna be great!" He needs to say this with a lot of enthusiasm, communicating to his mother the desire to make her proud.
I don't know a mother who could resist a line like that from her 8-year-old son. However, I do know more than one mother who could resist a grandfather telling her how to take care of his grandson. This way, you are teaching your grandson how to advocate for himself, and you are still able to maintain a supportive relationship with both your grandson and your daughter-in-law.
If your daughter-in-law doesn't relinquish her hairwashing duties, you may need to revisit the situation yet again. I would only do this as a last resort, and only if you decide that who's washing your grandson's hair is vitally important. You could approach your daughter-in-law with: "I don't want to overstep my bounds as the boy's grandfather, but I was asked by him to speak with you about being allowed to wash his own hair. Is that something you would be willing to consider?"
Then, let your daugher-in-law express her thoughts on the matter. She may have a valid point to make, or not. It doesn't matter. You need to listen, and not argue. Your goal here is not to agree, or disagree. You do not want to take sides in this situation. This is not a safety issue for your grandson. You need to be supportive of the entire family, thus maintaining healthy relationships now, and well into the future. A positive relationship with the mother will leave the door open for a compromise. Perhaps, your grandson could request, or you might suggest, that he be allowed to wash his own hair once a week? It's a start.
Bottom line is, it doesn't matter what I think is an acceptable age for your grandson to begin washing his own hair. I'm not his mother. I had mine washing his own hair as soon as he had enough sense to keep his eyes and mouth shut when using shampoo in the shower, even when his hair began to smell again much sooner than if I'd have washed it. For me, that was simpler, but maybe not for your daughter-in-law. Think of it this way, neither of your grandson's have stinky hair. It's been washed by the best, their mother.
Father-in-law's Favorite,
Beth
Dear Beth,
My daughter was elbowed in the nose during a soccer game, and then bled all over her white uniform jersey. I thought soccer wasn't a contact sport, but this is the second time it's happened this season. The first time, I ended up throwing her jersey away, and buying a new one because I couldn't get all of the blood stains to come out. I can't afford to spend $30 for a new soccer jersey every time this happens. I tried a couple of different commercial blood stain removers, but they didn't remove the blood stains completely. Do you know of any tired-and-true methods for removing blood from fabric?
Soccer Mom

Dear Soccer Mom,
If you mean by 'tried-and-true methods', something that I've tried and have actually proven to work for myself, then absolutely! I have a couple of methods for ya. They were handed down to me from my momma, and by her momma before that. We're talkin' washboard days, here. Removing laundry stains doesn't get more 'tried-and-true' than that.
My favorite method is the 'table salt method'. That's when you take the offending shirt, immerse it in cold water, then apply table salt to each and every blood stain on the shirt. Rub the salt into the stains vigorously, add some salt to the cold water, then soak the shirt overnight. By morning, the stains should be gone. If not, lucky you, you get to repeat the process.
My other favorite method is the 'hydrogen peroxide method'. This one is a bit trickier because if you forget, and leave the peroxide on the stained shirt too long before laundering, the peroxide may eat a hole through the shirt. That's probably more stain removal than you bargained for. Not that you would obtusely make the same mistake I did, but if you did, you'd be smart enough not to admit it.
Start by rinsing the shirt in cold water, then use a Q-Tip to apply the peroxide onto the stained areas. Let it soak in for a moment, then rinse again with cold water. If the stains are gone, then wash as normal. If not, try the 'table salt method'.
Always remember to soak items that are blood stained in cold water first. Once you see that the stains have been removed, then you can launder the fabric in warm water. Heat from warm or hot water, or drying or ironing, will 'set' the stain. There goes another $30.
By the way, only an American would think soccer isn't a contact sport.
Futbol Mom,Beth